I’m Dan Snyder and I love jokes, ok?

Editor’s note: In the wake of a disappointing season, some have chosen to take the opportunity to make fun of the Redskins organization, it’s owner, and even it’s play-by-play radio team. Here to respond is Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder.

First off, let me just say, I love jokes, guys. Seriously, ask any of my friends. I’m one of the funniest guys they know. I’m always telling jokes in the owner’s box (it’s true, even though the camera always seems to catch me looking like I just swallowed a spoonful of thumbtacks). Seriously though, ask Tom Cruise. He loves my jokes, and he’s one of the most normal, level-headed guys I know. Sure, sometimes my jokes might get a little off-color, but it’s all in good fun. That’s what jokes are for, right? Fun. And nobody knows fun and jokes and humor like I do.

Hey, that reminds me, have you heard the one about the NFL franchise that refused to cow-tow to a bunch of oversensitive Native Americans and whiny liberals? Ahhh, shoot… I can’t remember how it goes exactly, but it ends with the owner telling them all to fuck off. See? Hilarious. It’s all about the delivery on that one.

But guys, sometimes jokes can cross the line into hurtful. I know this as much as anyone because I’ve been hurt by jokes plenty of times. Well, people said they were “jokes,” but they weren’t. They were mean and insensitive. Sure, it’s healthy to have a laugh at your own expense every once in while, but there’s a fine line between funny and malicious. Take that hack Dave McKenna, for example. I mean, an alphabetical list of why I suck? Guys, I read that list and it wasn’t even funny at all (OK, so I didn’t read it, but my assistant read it to me, so I know it was mean spirited.) The picture of me with drawn on devil horns? That’s junior high stuff, not to mention anti-Semitic. Selling rancid peanuts? Hey, if the fans want me to land the big fish like Albert Haynesworth, you gotta make some sacrifices. That’s just business. Same with suing that grandmother. Guys, someone has to mind the shop. (Isn’t that what the working class folks say?) And so what, I cut down a couple trees on federally protected land. Big whoop. What’s the use of having a Montgomery County mansion if you can’t see the Potomac? Any of you would have done the same thing.

But guys, if there’s one thing I know about jokes, it’s that you have to be careful because feelings can get hurt. The things Dave the Hack said about me were hurtful. That’s why I sued the living shit out of him and his employer, even if some of those things were technically true. OK, so they were all technically true, but they were still hurtful. Sometimes, after yet another Redskins loss, I’d just stay up in the owners booth until 4 a.m. drinking and eating pizzas and burgers and thinking about that article. And it hurts, guys. It hurts a lot. I know I might seem like one of those tough guys that hides his emotions well,  but I have feelings too. (Trust me, I’ve talked to every doctor in the world to try and get them surgically removed, but they’re still there.)

Same thing with those signs that people were holding up during the 2009 season. Hurtful stuff, you guys. Not to mention DANGEROUS (all caps, guys, so you know it’s for real). That’s why I had to ban them (except for the GEICO signs, of course). I think we all know that attending a Redskins game at FedEx field is an experience like no other. The ease of access, the affordability… I couldn’t possibly risk someone having an obstructed view just because some bozo wanted to hold up a sign of me and my good friend Vinny Cerrato with the caption “Dumb and Dumber.” Pretty harsh, guys. Pretty harsh, indeed. Not to mention the risk of ALL KINDS (again, all caps, guys) of injuries. Paper cuts. Blows to the head on a windy day. Someone could get an eye poked out. I’m all for making jokes, you guys, but not at the risk of people’s safety.

And now these “comedians” over at WJFK are piling on with these  fake broadcasts of the Redskins games. I have to admit, I really did think that was Larry Michaels for a while. I just assumed that he had lost his mind and sunken into a deep, inconsolable depression from this season. I sent my puppet buddy Tony Wyllie over there to sort things out. Tony’s a real character; a regular Richard Pryor, so I trust his opinion when it comes humorous banter. Remember that time Tony cracked that joke at the University of Maryland Journalism Ethics (ha!) Panel comparing the uprising in Egypt to my libel suit against hack Dave and his silly Washington City Paper? Priceless. My lawyers and I laughed for hours about that one. (By the way Dave, I may have dropped the suit, but I’m still waiting for that apology…).

Anyway, these clowns over at WJFK really pulled one over on me. Tony had a little sit-down with the producer over there and ran it through his flawless humor detection checklist. (It’s a great system, by the way. Step one is how much should we sue them for?) Meanwhile, I was on the phone with The Hogs (that’s what I call my legal team — get it?! They are good at pushing the defense team around.) I was getting ready to bring the hammer down on that pathetic little operation (shout out to the boys at ESPN 980!). In the end, they told Tony that it was just a joke, although it certainly wasn’t very obvious and, trust me, it wasn’t very funny.

The moral of the story, you guys, is that I love jokes. I really do. Ask Mike Nolan. This one time, I sent a gallon of 31 Flavors ice cream to Nolan’s office after we lost. Get it?! I don’t like vanilla! You know, like the defense at the time? Hilarious! We all had a good laugh over that one, even Mikey. (It wasn’t a joke the second time, though. Seriously, I don’t like vanilla and I didn’t like his defensive schemes, so he was promptly let go.) But, like I said before, jokes can be also be hurtful and we just want to make sure that no one gets hurt. I mean you saw what happened to RGIII. Imagine the same kind of pain, but on the inside. That’s what I feel when these jokes cross the line.

So let’s keep the jokes in check, you guys. Seriously this time. After all, we have enough to laugh about every Sunday.

Editor’s note: Just as a clarification, the above passage is a joke, and is NOT REALLY Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins. Please don’t sue.

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